25. When life hands you lemons, eat some Chinese food with pubic hairs. Oh wait, you just did.

24. Live everyday as though it’s your last, eat Chinese babies.

23. Your fingers can’t be of the same length, unless you are a dwarf, then your fingers look like sausages.

22. Vicious as a tigress can be, she never eats her own cubs, unless she is really hungry and has some left over hot sauce.

21. Pamper yourself before you yourself are in pampers.

20. Chances are that if your penis is small, you will die alone.

19. Try if you must, but you will always be an alcoholic. Just as God intended it.

18. Don’t try and change the world; change your tire. It’s flat; thanks for not leaving a tip.

17. Reshape one’s foot to try to fit into a new shoe. Unless you’re an amputee, you don’t get a fortune you handicapped piece of trash.

16. Life is an ocean; Go drown yourself.

15. Life is full of ups and down; so when the going gets tough, remember that suicide is always an option.

14. Face it, you’re not so hot! So let’s just focus on your personality for now.

13. Great meal, huh? Maybe you should have a tic tac.

12. Rabid dogs will kill you in the parking lot of the local porno store, shaming your family for life.

11. That was feces in your Chinese food. Have a nice day.

10. You will die of cancer the day a cure is found.

9. You will contact herpes… in your mouth.

8. Your future holds a wheelchair ridden life of self hate.

7. Your childhood was a sham, so your future will hold much of the same.

6. Chinese food is fattening, but you already look like refrigerator with legs, so it doesn’t matter.

5. You will die in a fiery plane crash.

4. Enhance the lives of those around you, wear more spandex.

3. Society hates you and thinks you’re a dirty bum. (This fortune is meant for Polly Shore.)

2. Your lucky numbers are 1098765432100123456789101 and 4.

1. Wisdom lies where you least expect it; but you’re a fool if you take advice from a cookie.