25. Old People: Yea, no one wants to call the elderly assholes, but we all know most old people are a bunch grumpy, shitty driving assholes. Old people make great assholes, as they have problems with: staring, general confusion, holding up lines, feet shuffling, poop/B.O. smell, and the “Back in my day…” speech. Of course how could you forget that at almost every family dinner there is an old person to ruin the whole day for everyone, by either: crying, pooping there pants, or falling in the hallway.

24. People in Wheel Chairs: Again no one wants to be politically incorrect and all, but generally, people in wheel chairs are some of the biggest assholes on the face of the earth. I don’t care if I burn in hell for this but, who gave them the, “you don’t have to wear shoes in public” free pass, and how the fuck did their feet get so dirty anyway? Maybe they’re assholes because they blame God for their condition, or they are mad at society for only being semi-useful. Whatever it is, if they get the chance they will run you over with their motorized wheel chair, laugh and never look back.

23. Santa Clause: Do I really need to mention him? Yes he is a fat jolly old fellow and on the surface he appears to be nice, but what he lacks in assholedness (that’s a word - look it up), he makes up for in hate and total lack of listening skills. Yes it is true, Santa hates poor children, and the obvious evidence is that they never get anything for Christmas. As for the listening skills Santa, FYI, no kid ever asked for underwear, pencils, school clothes or crappy Christian music CDs. Oh, and Santa, when Grandma told me she was going to tell you what I wanted for Christmas… I ASKED for Ratbat and Razorclaw, to finish my collection of Decepticons. THEY ARE TRANSFORMERS. You gave me a ConVert-A-Bot? What the fuck Santa? What the fuck?

22. Tom Cruise: When you watch interviews with him, he always looks like he attempting to use the Jedi-mind tricks on whoever is interviewing him. The man barley blinks. I mean you can admire the fact that he has successfully certified himself as a Christian Scientologist M.D., or whatever he claims to be, but don’t try to use those mind tricks on me asshole. Then just as he thinks he has got someone hooked on his retarded religion; he belts out that damned insane laugh that sounds slightly paranoid, with just a hint of homosexuality thrown in… Making you quickly realize, he is just an insane asshole.

21. Barbara Streisand: Asshole Bitch.

20. The Pope: AIDS killing millions, the invention of birth control, and you could help the world with a few simple words like “use a condom,” and yet you don’t…you sir are an asshole. Your hat choices are horrible, and the accent… Nay.

19. France: The only good thing that can be said about the French is their food is first class; unfortunately the rest of their culture is embarrassing. The problems with France are as follows:

- A French movie is only good for the sex scenes.
- There is nothing worse than a French novel.
- Air conditioning is almost non-existent through out the country.
- The French people think their country is still a world power.
- And of course the stereotype is in fact true; French people are hairy and they smell.

Yes, most of the world hates France, because they are a bunch of pompous assholes who think they are better than everyone. America though, has a different view of France. Remember a little war called World War II? Remember, we, The United States of America helped France pick up her panties after Germany was through with her? Remember that? Well France doesn’t! Assholes!

18. DMV Employees: Possible the slowest moving people on the earth, reside here. DMV employees pride themselves on making other people’s lives miserable. They let the building reach temperatures above 100 degrees, the lines are a minimum of 2 hours each, you have to wait in two different lines, and sometimes you have to wait in the same line twice.

A typical conversation with an asshole DMV employee goes like this:
Average Joe: Hi, I was wondering where…
DMV Nazi: Wait in that line over there.
Average Joe: But, I am asking where you…
DMV Nazi: Ba ba ba ba… that line over there.
Average Joe: OK, but can I ask you…
DMV Nazi: Eh eh eh eh… Line, over there.

17. Your Boss: Whether it’s the oversized ego, the God-complex, the micro-manager, the complete idiot, or a combination of any of those, most managers do not realize how close they are to an employee picking up a rock and throwing it at their head.

16. PETA: Why is it that when someone tells a story about PETA it includes the phrase, “…those PETA assholes…” Plus their whole cause is to convince people that animals don’t taste good and they shouldn’t be eaten. Assholes. These crazy lunatics will kill a human to save a chicken! I rest my fucking case.

15. Vending Machines: You didn’t think a inanimate object could be an asshole… well think again. Vending machines have been fucking with people since their invention (obviously jealous of our soul that Jesus gave us). I personally think they are programmed to fuck with a person at their most vulnerable.

–It’s one hundred and some shit degrees outside and you are desperate for a Coke, and not just any Coke, you want one like the picture on the vending machine with beads of water dripping down the bottle… So you put your hard earned dollar in the machine (five if you’re at Six-Flags), expecting a Coke, you press one of the 36 Coke buttons and the Coke machine bitch tells you… Sold Out. OK, so you try to keep you’re cool, and you press it again just in case the machine didn’t know you were fucking serious… Nada. OK keep the cool, press another… Nope. God-Dammit! OK settle for a Dr Pepper? Nope - sold out. Fuck this shit. Sprite? Nope. Alright you are so desperate for something to drink you press the bottled water button. No dice. What do you end up with? A fucking Fanta. Fuck Fantas and fuck the asshole vending machines they come in.

14. The President of the United States: Here is comes, a liberal bitching about the President… Nope. Admit it, most people in a position of ultimate power like the President will either be a complete wuss (see President Clinton), or they will take the ball and run with it. The President has got the power ball and he is dribbling down the court (horrible analogy). Sure The President is a bit on the dense side, and the War in Iraq, in retrospect was a completely retarded idea, but President Bush is a Texas asshole, and he does whatever he wants when he wants and doesn’t give a fuck about the consequences. That is a true American capitalist asshole mentality.

13. Cops: “Well, well, well…” –Only assholes start conversations like this. These are the people that as teenagers could never make manager at Taco Bell, so they become cops to hold their power over normal people. They will make you feel like human shit for going ten miles over the speed limit. They will treat you like dirt for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign. They will beat the shit out of you for slinging a little rock on the side, and trying to shoot at them while trying to avoid them.

12. Quicky Lube Owners: They promise you an oil change, a vacuum, and to top off all your fluids. Do they do these things, as promised? Yes, probably. What they don’t tell you is that they are able to sense a sucker in less than ten seconds. When you aren’t looking, they take your air filter out of your car and dip it in mud and then they try to force you to buy another one. So you think you are tough, solid, and you can stand your ground. No! You don’t want their air filter, you just want an oil change. You go inside and sit down and read one of their magazines from 1987 and they come in and break the horrible news to you. They tell you if you don’t change your gongulator valve (or some part you have never heard of) within a month, your car with become a fire ball on the interstate while your wife and kids are driving to soccer practice, burning them alive. You succumb to the pressure and end up paying 120 dollars for an oil change. You leave as a pathetic, sorry piece of shit that knows he just got raped. It’s a shame really.

11. People on Motorcycles: OK, I’m not really talking about old guys going through a mid-life crisis trying to recapture their youth with a Harley, leather chaps, a beard and a shirt that says, “The bitch fell off.” I am talking about those twenty something assholes on the crotch rockets weaving in and out of traffic, cutting people off. The worst breed of Motorcycle assholes are the ones while sitting in the middle of traffic, use the space in between cars to drive on the painted lines. In fact I predict that anyone in a car who would be brave enough to open their car door and kill one of those fuckers would receive a much earned round of applause by the surrounding traffic. The only thing worse than motorcycle assholes are the bastards who drive their car in the emergency lane to receive a one up on the rest of the traffic jam, those asshole deserve to burn!

10. Car Salesman: “… look let me bottom line it for you, I’m just trying to make a living here.” — Again only assholes speak like this. Everyone hates a good car salesman because they are worthless scum, that will try to sell you shit you don’t need. They are like a Quicky Lube employee with a degree.

9. There is no nine.

8. Your Next Door Neighbors: Everyone secretly hates their next door neighbor. Whether it’s the leaves from their stupid ass tree blowing into your yard, or the stares from them as you wash your car on your front lawn, or the ugly ass wheel chair ramp up to the front door, that ruins the look of the neighborhood… Sometimes they make you just want to burn their shitty little house down. And what is up with them coming over to bitch about all the noise when you’re trying to have a party, and then they have the nerve to call the cops when you try to push them down! Assholes!

7. Babies: Everyone loves babies, but there a bunch of selfish stupid assholes that can’t take care of themselves. Sure their saving grace is that they are so damn cute. God made them that way, so that you won’t kill them because they are so God-damned annoying. Look only assholes and fat people wake you up in the middle of the night, make you feed them every meal of the day, poop their pants 14 times a day, and fart in public and laugh.

6. Movie Theatre Talkers: You know who you are, shame on you, you asshole. The Movie Theatre Talker comes in three kinds of flavors: The, “I’m an old person and I need to repeat everything for my other elderly friend” kind. The “I’m a stupid hillbilly that doesn’t know how to act in public, so I need to repeat every funny thing in the movie to make sure everyone around heard me,” kind. And of course the, “I am the obnoxious “urban looking person” in the back on the cell phone,” kind.

5. Fat People: Most of them aren’t assholes, they are usually too busy eating or sleeping to be assholes, but most of the annoying attributes that define fat people also could define a good ole fashioned asshole. These “attributes” include: Heavy breathing in restaurants, holding up lines, driving little tiny cars, wearing tight pants, odd odors, the extra flap of skin between your arm and your arm pit (What is that? The arm pit vagina?), and of course eating too God-damn much.

4. Joan Rivers: Oh my God my eyes! What the hell did she do to her face? She looks like the crypt keeper with chicken skin stretched across her face, but that is neither here nor there. Joan Rivers is one of the only women in Hollywood giving Barbara Streisand a run for her money in the ultimate Bitch department. Who gave her the right to stand her 98 year old ass on the red carpet and judge fashion? Who? Really, cause I would like to sock the executive at the E! Channel that gave that plastic surgery ridden monstrosity the green light to be on camera scaring small children for life.

3. Foreigners: Hi there, welcome to America, please take a moment to take a shower and use deodorant. Thanks. Oh and while I got you here, this is America, we have fixed prices, you can’t barter with every one.

2. Teenagers: Everyone hates teenage assholes. They have their ass hanging out of their pants, their stereos are so loud it would make Marley Matlin cry, they sleep all day, most of the male species smell, and the females paint there faces like pirate hookers.

1. Cell phone drivers: Everyone loves to hate these people, but lets face it, most of us drive and use our cell phone. The worst of these cell phone driving assholes are the sixteen year old brats who barely know how to drive. We have all seen them in their shit box cars (usually a tin can ‘92 Nissan Sentra that has already been in a few accidents), weaving in and out of traffic on the freeway with cell phone in hand. Their car is maxed out at 90 mph with two wheels in another lane, while they’re on their cell phones messing with the radio. –Just like Michael Jackson, its a suicide waiting to happen.